Road Trip
by SeptemberMistAngel
Summary: Doc, Alice, Lightning, Sally, Chick, Maria, Francesco and Emily. One Van. Three day road trip. Monkeys, sunburns, wasp in the car, and Rock paper scissors best fifty seven out of... Whatever for the last coke. Crack fic. Rated K-plus
1. Chapter 1

**to celebrate tomorrow's 18 hour drive with my 9 other family members, I thought I'd post the first chapter of 'Road Trip'! **

**I will be back in three weeks, y'all. ;) So don't freak if you don't hear from me. **

**Anyways, Pixar owns Cars, Pancake owns Emily, and I own Maria and Alice. :) **

* * *

Road Trip

Doc and Alice stood outside their house, waiting on everyone to arrive. It was six am. Today, The Hudson's, The McQueen's, the Hick's, and the Bernoulli's would all be heading out to Orlando Florida for a few weeks in the sun. It was very cold in Radiator Springs, and they all wanted to get away. What better way than a trip down to Florida together?

If all went according to plan, they'd be picking up Emily and Francesco at the Phoenix airport in an hour. And then by seven thirty they'd be on the road to Florida.

Everyone had packed (or had been supposed to pack) the night before. Doc and Alice had borrowed Fillmore's old van. The purpose was that surely no one would assume Lightning McQueen, Chick Hicks, and Francesco Bernoulli, the greatest race car drivers of the century, to be traveling in a run-down hippie van. Thus they could avoid the paparazzi.

By six thirty, Lightning, Sally, Maria, and Chick had all arrived at the Hudson's house, bringing their luggage with them.

"Oh my God, Maria, are three suitcases really nessacary?" Lightning asked as, by Doc's instruction, they put all their luggage in an orderly pile so that it could be loaded efficiently.

"YES." Maria answered firmly. "And if YOU were pregnant, YOU'D understand."

"Well guess I'll never know then." Lightning chuckled.

With Sally's help, Lightning began to load the cooler. Coke, water bottles, and a bag of ice. As they were dumping the ice into the cooler, Sally got an idea. She made eye-contact with Lightning and raised her eyebrows, then nodded in Chick's direction.

Lightning smiled deviously and took an ice cube from the cooler, then walked towards the unfortunate man. In one swift movement, he dropped the ice cube down the back of Chick's shirt, causing him to leap into the air, howling.

"YIIIIIIIII! THAT'S COLD!" He screamed, trying to remove the ice cube. "MCQUEEN!"

Chick chased Lightning around the yard and around the back of the house. Doc rolled his eyes. "Let's finish loading the van. The Bernoulli's plane should be landing soon, and we don't want to be late."

"DOC! DOC! HELP ME!" Lightning screamed, running back around the front of the house, Chick still chasing him with a look of fury on his face. Lightning dove behind Doc and Alice. "Help!"

"Act your age!" Doc snapped, grabbing Lightning by the arm.

"I think he was." Alice commented dryly. She clapped her hands. "Alright, y'all. Let's get this van loaded and get on the road."

After finally getting the van loaded, they climbed in. They got thirty miles down the road, when Chick realized something. "Um... I left my pillow in the backyard..."

Doc hit the brakes. "What?!"

Alice turned to look at him. "We'll get you another one at Walmart."

"Don't let Chick in Walmart." Lightning said, scrolling on his iPhone.

"It was a..." Chick blushed. "It was a... Pillow pet."

Everyone looked at him in shock. He blushed redder. "What?! I... It's cute... I can't sleep without it."

Maria looked at him dryly. "You don't even compliment ME that well."

Lightning looked over at Chick from where he sat in the backseat with Sally. "I bet Doc and Alice's dog will eat it."

"WHAT?!" Chick exclaimed. "We gotta go back and get it! We GOTTA go back and get it!"

Doc facepalmed and then turned the van around. He looked at Chick. "Only because I'm concerned about the dog!"

...

Soon enough they'd saved the pillow pet, and were now back on the road. It was already seven thirty, and they were supposed to have picked up the Bernoulli's half an hour ago. They were thirty miles from Doc and Alice's house, and Doc suddenly slammed the brakes. "Crap! I'm wearing my bedroom shoes!"

"You whaaaa?" Sally asked. They all looked up over the seat, and Doc was, indeed, still wearing bedroom shoes.

Nine o'clock came, and they were finally at the airport. Lucky for them the Bernoulli's plane had been delayed, and had only just landed.

"Ciao!" Emily greeted everyone, running up and hugging them all. "It is-a so nice to see you all again!"

Francesco was standing nearby. "Don't expect me to start hugging everyone."

Chick grinned. "That's okay, we'll hug you, Frannie!" He exclaimed, then jumped on him.

Francesco resolved not to yell at him... Yet.

After unloading the van, then reloading it with Francesco and Emily's things, finally... Finally they were on the road.

Francesco and Lightning were sitting in the front bench, Emily and Sally behind them, and Maria and Chick in the back.

Lightning grinned at Francesco. "Let's have some music!"

Neither Francesco nor Lightning were known for their outstanding vocal skills...

"Girl! You really got me now! You got me so I don't know where I'm goin..." They began to sing together. "Girl! You really got me now! You got me so I can't sleep at niiiigght..."

Sally and Emily winced. They were very off-key. "How bout a different song, maestro?" Sally suggested.

Francesco and Lightning exchanged another glance. "All the single ladies, all the single ladies, all the-"

"You're both married men!" Doc exclaimed.

"And you're-a still off-key." Emily said.

They were silent a few moments, then it hit them. "I know a song that aggravates people, I know a song that aggravates people, I know a song that aggravates people and it goes like this. I know a-" Lightning sang, while Francesco began:

"This is the song that never ends... It just goes on and on, my friend! Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was. And now we'll just keep singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends...-"

Sally grabbed Lightning (who was still aggravating people) by the shoulders. "Yes. And it IS aggravating."

"Can it end now?" Emily asked Francesco.

He grinned. "It never ends, Emi!"

"I gotta pee." Chick said randomly.

"We just got on the road!" Sally exclaimed.

"Yeah, and I still gotta go!"

It was quiet...

"Really badly." Chick added.

Doc facepalmed on the steering wheel and got on the exit. They soon stopped at the nearest McDonald's.

As they climbed out, they heard a passerby laughing. "Hey, Lightning! What're you doing driving the Mystery Machine?"

Lightning chuckled. He knew Fillmore's van would get questioned. He looked over at the bystander. "I'm not driving. Fred is." He said, gesturing over to Doc.

"Francesco is Scooby!" Chick called.

"What?!" Francesco exclaimed.

"Yeah." Chick said. "Cause you're always talking in that stupid voice."

"It is-a an Italian accent!" Francesco shouted.

"Would you two not kill each other?" Doc asked. "Please?"

Francesco looked at Chick. "I will-a make no promises."

Sally rolled her eyes. "You two are going to be stuck in a van together for the next two days. Make up your mind to get along."

Chick and Francesco just glared at each other.

Wish me luck on my trip tomorrow! If you're a dA follower of mine, you'll get to hear all about the trip.

Review please!


	2. Chapter 2

Pancake3298- Yes, it was short, but since you haven't reviewed anything of mine in three weeks until you reviewed this, you can't complain. *folds arms over chest* so there.

;) I'm jk, girl. Enjoy this chapter.

Credit goes out to several people who helped supply ideas for this chapter.

* * *

Road Trip- Chapter 2

"Contacting Star Command. Come in, Star Command. I've been held captive in this van for the last three hours, and there seems to be no sign of intelligent life anywhere."

"Gee thanks, Chick." Alice said, turning in her seat.

"You're welcome." He replied with a smile. "Hey, when's the next stop? I gotta pee."

"Again?!" Sally asked.

"You are-a the most random..." Francesco trailed off.

"We have to stop and fill up the van in about twenty miles." Doc replied.

"Hey, you know those toothbrushes that play music?" Chick asked nobody in particular.

"I can't believe the Cars soundtrack isn't on iTunes anymore. I mean, really, what is that about?" Sally was asking.

"Hey!" Chick interrupted. "Those toothbrushes! Do you know what I'm talking about?"

"Yes. No." Sally replied. "What are you talking about?"

Chick facepalmed. "Those toothbrushes!"

"What about em?" Lightning questioned.

"Toothbrushes that play music in your head through your teeth." Chick said. "They put those One Direction songs on some of em."

"Annnnnddd?" Francesco asked, an eyebrow raised.

"Oh whatever." Chick asked, grabbing Maria's hooded jacket and throwing it over his head. "Goodnight."

Francesco looked at Lightning. "Why are we friends with him?" He mouthed silently.

"You like potatoes?" Lightning guessed, unable to read lips.

Francesco gave up.

Chick threw the jacket back off of his head. "AIR!" He exclaimed, gasping for breath. He glanced up at the ceiling of the car. "OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSH! THERE'S A WASP IN HERE!" He screeched.

"Kill it!" Emily screamed, grabbing Francesco by the shirt collar and shaking him.

"God, Emilia!" He exclaimed, grabbing her wrists and detaching her grip from his shirt. "Don't give-a me brain damage. It is-a only a wasp."

"Kill it! PLEASE!" She pleaded desperately, diving under the bench.

Chick jumped up. "I will release it into the wild." He said, standing up and moving to the back doors. The wasp began to fly in his direction. Chick began humming the Indiana Jones theme and he flung open the back doors. The van was still going eighty on the interstate. They hit a bump in the road suddenly and Chick almost fell out of the van, but thankfully he regained his balance. The wasp flew away, Chick slammed the doors shut, then he collapsed in his seat. "Dude..." He panted. "That was epic! I felt like freakin James Bond!"

Nobody commented.

* * *

A while later they stopped at a gas station to fill up the van and to let everyone go to the bathroom. As they got out, Emily noticed something. "Is that... Is that a monkey?"

Sure enough, it was. A lady was opening a cage in the backseat of her car and lifting out a monkey.

"It's so cute!" Emi squealed, dragging Francesco over with her. "Can I hold him?" She asked the lady.

Francesco looked horrified as Emi cooed over the monkey. "I hate monkeys..." He murmured.

Emily grinned. "But, Franco... It is-a so adorable..."

"It's frightening..."

Suddenly the monkey jumped out of Emily's arms and onto Francesco's back.

"Ai! Get it off! Ai! Ai! Ai! It's got claws!" Francesco screamed, flipping out.

After three unsuccessful attempts, they managed to remove the monkey.

"Alright!" Doc called. "Van's filled up. Let's go!"

They piled back in the vehicle and began to drive down the road again. About half an hour down the road, Maria realized something. "Guys, it got really quiet."

"I was just noticing that." Lightning said, nodding.

Maria looked around. "OH MY GOD! CHICK ISN'T HERE!"

"No wonder." Francesco said, cracking up.

Doc slammed the brakes. "He's not?!"

"Not unless he hid under the bench." Emily said, looking under the bench. "Yep. He's gone."

* * *

"You left me!" Chick exclaimed. "Maria stole my iPhone, I didn't have money for the pay phone, and you left me with the monkey!"

"You found the monkey?" Francesco asked. "Your long lost brother?!"

Chick glared at him. Lightning was laughing. "If you were gonna flip out when we came back, we shoulda just left you! Maria wouldn't be too upset, would you?"

Maria snickered. Chick sighed. "How come you guys don't like me?!"

"You are generally unlikeable." Emily replied, grinning.

He sighed again. "You lefted me."

Emily rolled her eyes. "Lefted is-a not a word."

He glared. "Neither is 'is-a'. It's just your stupid Italian voice!"

"How dare you," Francesco started "Insult us so, you vile, racist-"

"Because you REALLY REALLY REALLY annoy me, Frannie!"

"And you annoy me just as much, you... You... Annoying man with a girly name!" Francesco spewed, unable to hold it in.

Sally chuckled. "Francesco, stop... You're making the maggots cry."

"A Bugs Life quote?" Lightning laughed, busting a gut.

Chick glared at him. Alice stepped in before anyone could throw a punch. "Everyone back in the van. Now." She said firmly.

Five miles down the road, Alice turned around in her seat and looked at everyone. "Alright, you guys. We need to try to get along. But I also believe in being fair. Everyone is being really mean to Chick-"

"Thank you." Chick said.

"And so, since all of you guys have called Chick a name, Chick, you get to call each of them a name. Then there is to be no more arguing. Are we clear?" She asked.

Everyone agreed. "Good." Alice replied. "Chick, go ahead."

Chick grinned, pleased with this turn of events. He looked over at Emily. "Annoying, hormonal Italian female."

He looked at Maria. "Fat lady."

She glared in protest. "I am only five months pregnant and with YOUR child!"

He moved on, looking at Lightning with contempt. "Doofus."

Sally awaited his name-calling.

"Loser."

She looked at him in confusion, but said nothing.

Finally he came to Francesco. Saving the best (or worst) for last.

"Fragile."

And what Francesco exclaimed in Italian can not be repeated in a crack fic that children might read. ;)


End file.
